Things That Infuriate Me, Part One…

Homeland Security [essentially the Secret Police]

Governments that use fear to try to persuade their democratic
countries that surrendering a few rights here and there will
result in safety and liberty – eventually.

Governments that use torture - especially when it gors against
everything their country believes in.

Horror movies that rely solely on “Jump moments”…

Canceling quality television programming before it has a
chance to really find an audience – or never finds enough
of an audience to survive. Arrested Development, Sports
Night, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Strange Luck,
Game Over, Haunted, Love Monkey, Jack & Bobby,
Quark, Space Rangers, VR5, Jake 2.0, The Flash, et cetera...

Calgary weather!

Sports announcers who don’t bother to learn how pronounce
the names of the players.

The exorbitant pricing on BBC DVD sets – especially for
“Doctor Who!”

The fact that the vastly superior “Changing Rooms” is a
half-hour show, while the now rudderless and frequently
unappealing “Trading Spaces” [except when Edward is
on] runs an hour. Carol Smiley should demand a raise!

“Ice Age: Meltdown” makes 70.5 million over its
opening weekend, while “Slither” doesn’t make 3.7…

Coconut in anything other than Thai food.

Production companies who insist on buying comic book
properties to turn into movies – then insist on removing
everything from the movie that made the comic worth
optioning in the first place!

Great movies that are released on DVD without audio
commentary tracks [Peter Jackson’s commentaries on the
“Lord of the Rings” films were great – so where’s his
commentary for “King Kong?”].

The Marx Brothers. Try as I might, I just can’t get into them.

Mini-series that are pared down to under two-and-a-half hours
[from three-plus hours] for the DVD release.

Card game anime series that exist only to sell kids games that
will be ignored six months later…

People who condemn movies they haven’t seen – especially
members of the religious right who put people out of business
for renting/selling movies like “The Last Temptation of Christ”
and doing so because, despite the law, believe themselves to be
the sole repositories of God’s judgment. [“Judge not, lest ye
be not judged” is god’s admonition, so those folks are in for
a rude surprise if the Christian god is, in fact The One True
[God!]

As above, but for books, TV programs and any all other forms
of entertainment/art/expression.

Bigotry of any sort [colour, gender, age, sexual orientation,
belief system].

Ignorance – especially willful ignorance [see previous three items
for classic examples].

Anyone who still believes that addiction is not a disease.

Anyone who thinks it’s funny to mock the mentally handicapped.

Anyone who believes that women belong in the kitchen, not the
workplace.

The fact that teachers are the worst paid of the professionals – none
Of the other professionals would be bringing in the big bucks if
someone hadn’t taught them. [Teachers should be the highest paid
of all professionals – period!]

Slither Puts The Creepy Back Into Horror-Comedy!

It’s refreshing to see an old-fashioned horror-comedy where a room of hardened critics laugh only in the right places! For that that matter, it’s refreshing to see a horror-comedy where all the laughs are intentional – and where there is more than just a series of jump moments. James Gunn’s “Slither” is creepy, scary and hilarious – simultaneously…

In an opening that is an homage to the original “The Blob” [the 1958 creepiest that introduced Steve McQueen to movie stardom], we see a meteor rumble towards the Earth, before cutting to Police Chief Bill Pardy [Nathan Filion] and Constable Wally [Don Thompson] sitting in their squad car behind a sign welcoming us to Wheelsy, North Carolina.

Wally is timing a bird with his radar gun while Pardy appears to be napping. Clearly, Wheelsy is not a thriving metropolis. As Wally laments overestimating the bird’s speed, Pardy tries to get back to sleep – as the meteor flashes to ground behind them. We see the meteor, in the forest, as it cracks open…

The next day, we see Starla Grant [Elizabeth Banks] teaching a class – and the male students paying more attention to her demurely clad body than to the lesson. We also meet Mayor MacReady [Gregg Henry] as he blasts someone for parking in his spot – then smiles sweetly at some children across the street and says “Good Morning.” Nobody throws an onscreen tantrum better than Henry.

That evening, town rich guy and definite redneck, Grant Grant [the wonderful Michael Rooker] turns down a come on from Brenda Guiterrez [Brenda James] and heads home. When he climbs into bed feeling amorous, and is turned down by his lovely wife, Starla, he drives directly to Brenda’s place. She tells him she’s had a crush on him forever and takes him into the forest to show him where she had carved their initials into a tree.

Grant discovers the crash site and follows a trail of slime that leads away from the meteor – and comes upon something that shoots a dart into his chest and we’re off to the proverbial races!

Between Gunn’s intelligent, witty script and a terrifically atmospheric score by Tyler Bates, “Slither” mixes humor, creepiness and some genuine scares to give us one of the best horror movies – comedy or not – in recent years. There’s enough gore to satisfy most splatter fans and more than enough terrific dialogue and visual gags to generate laughs.

The best humor comes in weird places – like Grant’s explanations for the physical changes he’s undergoing. “It’s a bee sting,” he intones as his wife flinches from his rapidly swelling, and lumpy head. Another character tries to explain his changes Sheriff Pardy with a hopeful, “Poison ivy, maybe?”

Something else that’s refreshing about “Slither:” despite the zombification of the townspeople by the monstrous Grant, this is not “Dawn of the Dead.” Gunn is not trying to camouflage socio-political commentary here. The movie is all about making people laugh, shiver and jump – and not necessarily in that order.

Besides the opening shout out to “The Blob,” there are other homages, as well. My personal favorite is a double-barreled shout out to two movies: a bathtub scene that recalls both David Cronenberg’s “Shivers” and the scene that, in turn, homaged – the bathtub scene in Wes Craven’s “Deadly Blessing.” In Gunn’s hands, the scene is both scary and, due to some blatant sexual innuendo, hysterically funny – it got one of the biggest laughs from the critics at the screening I attended.

Another great thing about the film is that Gunn’s script features set-ups that don’t pay off in the ways you expect. When Otis Shutmeyer [William MacDonald] heads off to help a posse track down the morphed Grant, he tells his family to stay inside – but the camera cuts to his teen-aged daughter, Kylie [Tania Saulnier], as if to suggest that she will be disobeying him later that evening. The payoff to that set-up is so different that it plays a pivotal role in the story.

Nathan Filion’s Sheriff Pardy shares a number of idiomatic traits with “Serenity’s” Mal Reynolds, but somehow, Filion spins these traits in such a way that instead of being anything resembling heroic and commanding, Pardy comes off as being clearly inept and completely unprepared for any emergency – let alone this one. It’s a bravura performance that also sets off other characters extremely well.

Saulnier’s Kylie doesn’t enter the story until we’re well into it, but instead of being the annoying kid that no one takes seriously, she winds up being pivotal to everyone’s survival. The scene that puts her in the know is one of the film’s more grotesque moments.

Some of the best pure scare moments come hard on the heels of humor [and vice-versa]. One of the best of these is the fate of Brenda – and the realization that – without her even knowing it – she is being used by Grant in two equally horrifying ways. An ambush, of sorts, is one – the other is much worse.

Banks’ Starla does a great job of dealing with the hideous changes to her husband. She seems, at once, smarter and tougher than Pardy – and she’s definitely smarter than Grant. She also makes it possible for us to understand why Pardy’s been in love with her forever.

Another cool thing about “Slither” is that Gunn has cast a number of genre veterans in small, but key roles. You may not know where you’ve seen them before, but you will recognize William MacDonald, Ben Cotton and Lorena Gale, for example. Troma studio head Lloyd Kaufman, and Rob Zombie also make cameo appearances.

With a horror movie, naturally effects are key. Gunn has used a mix of CG and practical effects for “Slither.” We can see the CG when Grant’s arm is “all bendy,” for example; and when we see the hordes of evil worm/slug thingies later. Virtually all the rest of the time, Grant and Brenda are in monster make-up – the prosthetics for the movie are very good.

James Gunn is a horror movie fanboy, and here, he’s made exactly the kind of movie that he likes to watch himself. In doing so, he’s made a movie that the rest of us will enjoy immensely. “Slither” is grand, unpretentious horror-comedy fun. If you’re a fan of the genre, then slide on through the slime and viscera, and check out this movie.

Grade: B+

"V" A Nearly Perfect Adaptation

My thoughts on "V For Vendetta:"

The graphic novel was one of the most powerful and
illuminating efforts of the eighties - in any form.
Though the GN dealt with Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons'
projected future from a Margaret Thatcher government
that was then in power, it dealt with the subject of
oppressive governments and the need for them to not
be tolerated.

The essence [and the vast majority of the key scenes]
of the GN have been translated extremely faithfully
onto the big screen. The changes are minimal, really,
and are mostly in form of updating the story to
reflect the various governments in the democratic
world [not identify, or identify with - just to
reflect].

Most reviewers have commented on the title character's
use of terrorism - but the movie's ideas are a good deal
less straightforward than merely that.

The basic idea being put forward [behind the facade of
a cracking good superhero movie] is that good people
are *required* to not stand by and let oppression take
place. As a sort of derived, splinter idea, the film
makes the point that there is a difference between a
terrorist and a revolutionary - a difference that is
not always apparent at the time.

If all the news you get tells you something, then you
will be more inclined to believe it - or at least
tolerate it. In the England of "V," that tolerance
has, at long last, reached its final moments. Thus,
when "V" begins his course of action, Britons find
that they do not believe that he's a terrorist.

In the case of Evey, who has been a direct victim of
the evil of the government [and has tried to go on
with her life in as low-profile a manner as possible],
we have the case of a good person who has stood by -
despite knowing, first hand, of the government's
evil.

While "V" revolts against the government, however,
he is also pursuing a person vendetta against those
who were responsible for terrible wrongs done to him
in a government research facility - a facility that
turns out to have created a plague that decimated
the population and was blamed on enemies of the state.
This makes him at once a murderer and a revolutionary.

When he frees Evey from her fear, he resorts to the
same tactics that the government would have used to
gain information from her. Now he *has* become a
terrorist - if only in regard to his actions with Evey.

At the same time as Evey is devastated by "V's" actions,
she is also prodded to look again at the corrupt, evil
government - and decide why she made the decisions she
made when she thought she was going to die.

It takes time, but Evey reaches a point where she does,
finally, realize that she can no longer stand by.

All this analytical prose tackles the ideas behind the
film; it shows how the film made me think about the
issues it debated. Which is kind of dry...

What I felt, as "V" played out before me, was a rush!
The action sequences were quite amazing; the effects
definitely precisely what they needed to do [without
ever seeming forced, or gratuitous].

The characters were involving. Stephen Rea played the
detective, Finch, so well that we actually see how
his thoughts and feelings were leading to the changes
his character undergoes as the film progresses.

Natalie Portman's accent may have varied, slightly,
at times, but her emotional portrayal of Evey rang
true at every point. Her terror, as she was being
interrogated; her sympathy for her boss, when she
learned why he feared the government; her moment
of confusion when she realized what "V" was planning
- from fine nuances, to full-blown emotional havoc,
Portman made Evey real.

Hugo Weaving was a surprise - he made a completely
motionless mask a character. The way he used his voice;
the odd little motions he made with his head; the way
he made incredible use of his light - these made "V"
a person, rather than a cypher. And Weaving has a
gift for knowing how to play the camera. In the end,
we understand why he followed his vendetta as much as
we understand why he was revolting against the government.

Even minor characters, like Delia [Sinead Cusack], came
across well. Cusack, in particular, stood out as the
scientist who had seen her work perverted and done
nothing.

As for the representatives of the government, John Hurt's
Sutler was a great villain. His rantings gave "V's" work
more credibility than any other single aspect of the
production.

Tim Piggot-Smith's Cready was the perfect "party member
with a Plan B." His increasingly slow burns, as Sutler
moved further and further into insanity, were a delight
- matching Rea's Finch as his work took him places he
really didn't want to go, but had to.

Protheroe [Roger Allam] was also perfect as the party's
propaganda mouth.

The film's design looked as though it was a series of
tracings from the graphic novel. The tones, the lighting,
the uniforms, "V's" costume, everything was taken, and
faithfully, from the GN. It looked incredible.

The soundtrack was also extremely good - not like some of
John Williams' increasingly paint-by-numbers scores. There
was a lot of subtlety in the use of music - but that didn't
preclude bombast when required.

James McTeigue did a remarkable job for a first-time
director. He elicited fine performances from his cast; kept
the film moving - even when there wasn't an action sequence
in progress, and he understood and embraced the source
material.

If the third act hadn't gotten a wee bit muddled, this
might have been as near a perfect film as I've ever seen.
As it is, I give it a 9.5/10.

Merry Christmahannukwanzzakah!

Christmas in Calgary used to be white - a foot of snow [mostly fresh],
temps in the 25-30F° range. Snowball fights were not unheard of.

For the last six or seven years, Christmas has been brown - dead
grass, leafless trees [excepting evergreens, of course], and temps
well above 32° - this year it's about 50°F. [Don't try to tell me
that global warming is a myth...].

The things that haven't changed are the family get-togethers, gift
exchanges and variations on the traditional meals - in other words,
the best things.

Here's hoping that the new year is filled with better news for everyone.

Cheers!

The Canadian Knows Aussie Slang Better

Your Slanguage Profile

Aussie Slang: 100%

Canadian Slang: 75%

British Slang: 50%

New England Slang: 25%

Victorian Slang: 25%

Prison Slang: 0%

Southern Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

Fall 2005 TVLand

I'm about to screen half a dozen pilots for TV programming that airs this week.

Pray for me.